My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize