I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
