I just cut my nipple shaving
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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