WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
