We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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