good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
