why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
