Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
