My boss' voice literally gives me gas
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
