I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I love you. Go after that dick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
