My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
as a side note pls kill me
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