we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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