No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
