it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
