i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
