Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
