yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
