last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
