My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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