Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
