i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
