Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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