It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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