Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
