A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
