Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
