Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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