Are we in a gay sports bar?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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