Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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