I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
