I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
