i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
