Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize