Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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