so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
