I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
