Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
3pm strippers are depressing
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom