so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
