I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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