come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we're making bets on your personal life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
