My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
