Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize