Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
