Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
