if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
