I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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