i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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