anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
