So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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