U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
