My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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