the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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