Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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