Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
